For those of you that do not know yet, my wife and I are going to have a child.
This is, of course, an important step, probably one of the most important things we'll ever do. There's still some time until birth, but we'll need to prepare, be ready for it, and it will change our daily lives.
Thinking about it, we're "young" for it, at least among the people we know. We're not the only ones who have children at this age, but most people I know that have studied something in University have kids and stable couples later. That does not happen in every culture, of course.
In Russia it seems most people are married and with kids way before reaching 30. In Spain it's otherwise, with people delaying these things until they become 30. I think in Lithuania it's something in the middle of this positions, while England is closer to the Spanish situation, but slightly younger.
Of course, an important factor is the security one feels in that culture or country. Spain right now has a terrible economy, and it's hard to afford some of the things that come with stable couples and kids. However, I think that in Spain it's also very important the cultural factor.
For example, for lots of people of my generation, we passed from the need to get married to the philosophy of not getting married, and seeing marriage as a terrible thing.
I hate stupid traditions. I believe that to do things just because "it has always been done like that" it's a really bad idea. For example, the idea that when you get married you need to do a wedding where you are the centre of attention and where you spend a huge amount of money to make it as impressive as you can. I'm not saying you cannot do it, or that it's very stupid to do it. I'm saying that you should think about it, to see if it's really what you want to do, and analyse the pros and cons it has in your personal opinion. To do it because it's proper, it's what everybody does, without thinking, is stupid.
And not to do it because everybody does it is equally stupid.
Anyway, right now I believe there's people that are not getting married or having kids because they don't feel ready. They also look around and see the same thing happening to other friends, so they believe this is normal, and by that it becomes normal.
I believe lots of people are not doing these things because of a mixture of rebelling against the past traditions, the current lack of economic security, and that feeling of not being ready.
My current generation (people with similar age, similar level of studies, similar economy, etc.) has been the result of a number of coincidences that has made our lives quite easier than for other generations. We have lived in economic prosperity, with nice houses, with all this new "toys" at our reach, and I believe that we've all been...well, spoiled. Not in a bad way, but still, our lives have been relatively easy (even if some people have had it harder than others).
I believe that this kind of environment makes it easier to not have big responsibilities, or even if you have had them, to not easily think of yourself as an "adult". Well, I know I have trouble with this thought at least. It's not a matter of being immature or anything, it's just that, mentally, we all believe to be somehow in our last teenage years, or beginning of our twenties (and maybe that can be applied to everybody).
It's kind of the same reason why some hobbies are considered "childish". We put labels and categorize things, and we expect that things that we like as a child will latter seem silly, when the truth is that if we really like something, there's no reason to stop doing it, since we're the same person than before. Our tastes may change from time to time, but there are no childish hobbies, we just need to learn when can we indulge in them or not.
So, in this change from young to adult, since we're in the last teenage years, we're still having fun. We're not ready for some of those big steps that would clearly be something only an adult does.
What I mean is that sometimes we're somehow waiting for a change in our mind, that will switch into "adult" mode after that. And this is the problem. This does not happen. We're the same person at 15 that at 51. Sure, we'll have more experience at 51, and we may be wiser because of this experience (or not), but we're basically the same person. It's very well said in the movie American Beauty. The main character says that he could tell to his teenage daughter that the insecurities and problems and doubts she's having will pass away after adolescence, but he does not want to lie to her.
Therefore, while we're waiting to be adults, we try to avoid marriage, or having kids, or buying a house, or any other thing that we believe only an adult, centered, stable person will do correctly. Because we do not feel specially centered or stable sometimes, and we've been told hundreds of times this is just a phase that teenagers pass after some time.
Is this a defense of traditional things? Of course not. As I mentioned, I hate to do things just because. I'm just saying that delaying things because we're not considering ourselves "adults" is something that we should try to fight back. We won't get a sudden revelation telling us this is the right moment. We won't know with stone-written certainty that we're ready. We will not avoid contradictory thoughts about these things.
And we should get used to that and get on with our lives. I'm pretty sure everybody has had the same thoughts, maybe just in different ages. The other people we know that are considered adults by us did these things in a way that seemed they had a different mind than our own, that they knew more than we do. And I believe that's not true at all.
Basically, we should not expect to have a huge different mentality some point in the future. People do not change much. So do not wait for some spontaneous change in your mind.
Just think about what you really want to do, something that makes you happy, plan for it (don't just randomly do or avoid doing things), and do it.
This is, of course, an important step, probably one of the most important things we'll ever do. There's still some time until birth, but we'll need to prepare, be ready for it, and it will change our daily lives.
Thinking about it, we're "young" for it, at least among the people we know. We're not the only ones who have children at this age, but most people I know that have studied something in University have kids and stable couples later. That does not happen in every culture, of course.
In Russia it seems most people are married and with kids way before reaching 30. In Spain it's otherwise, with people delaying these things until they become 30. I think in Lithuania it's something in the middle of this positions, while England is closer to the Spanish situation, but slightly younger.
Of course, an important factor is the security one feels in that culture or country. Spain right now has a terrible economy, and it's hard to afford some of the things that come with stable couples and kids. However, I think that in Spain it's also very important the cultural factor.
For example, for lots of people of my generation, we passed from the need to get married to the philosophy of not getting married, and seeing marriage as a terrible thing.
I hate stupid traditions. I believe that to do things just because "it has always been done like that" it's a really bad idea. For example, the idea that when you get married you need to do a wedding where you are the centre of attention and where you spend a huge amount of money to make it as impressive as you can. I'm not saying you cannot do it, or that it's very stupid to do it. I'm saying that you should think about it, to see if it's really what you want to do, and analyse the pros and cons it has in your personal opinion. To do it because it's proper, it's what everybody does, without thinking, is stupid.
And not to do it because everybody does it is equally stupid.
Anyway, right now I believe there's people that are not getting married or having kids because they don't feel ready. They also look around and see the same thing happening to other friends, so they believe this is normal, and by that it becomes normal.
I believe lots of people are not doing these things because of a mixture of rebelling against the past traditions, the current lack of economic security, and that feeling of not being ready.
My current generation (people with similar age, similar level of studies, similar economy, etc.) has been the result of a number of coincidences that has made our lives quite easier than for other generations. We have lived in economic prosperity, with nice houses, with all this new "toys" at our reach, and I believe that we've all been...well, spoiled. Not in a bad way, but still, our lives have been relatively easy (even if some people have had it harder than others).
I believe that this kind of environment makes it easier to not have big responsibilities, or even if you have had them, to not easily think of yourself as an "adult". Well, I know I have trouble with this thought at least. It's not a matter of being immature or anything, it's just that, mentally, we all believe to be somehow in our last teenage years, or beginning of our twenties (and maybe that can be applied to everybody).
It's kind of the same reason why some hobbies are considered "childish". We put labels and categorize things, and we expect that things that we like as a child will latter seem silly, when the truth is that if we really like something, there's no reason to stop doing it, since we're the same person than before. Our tastes may change from time to time, but there are no childish hobbies, we just need to learn when can we indulge in them or not.
So, in this change from young to adult, since we're in the last teenage years, we're still having fun. We're not ready for some of those big steps that would clearly be something only an adult does.
What I mean is that sometimes we're somehow waiting for a change in our mind, that will switch into "adult" mode after that. And this is the problem. This does not happen. We're the same person at 15 that at 51. Sure, we'll have more experience at 51, and we may be wiser because of this experience (or not), but we're basically the same person. It's very well said in the movie American Beauty. The main character says that he could tell to his teenage daughter that the insecurities and problems and doubts she's having will pass away after adolescence, but he does not want to lie to her.
Therefore, while we're waiting to be adults, we try to avoid marriage, or having kids, or buying a house, or any other thing that we believe only an adult, centered, stable person will do correctly. Because we do not feel specially centered or stable sometimes, and we've been told hundreds of times this is just a phase that teenagers pass after some time.
Is this a defense of traditional things? Of course not. As I mentioned, I hate to do things just because. I'm just saying that delaying things because we're not considering ourselves "adults" is something that we should try to fight back. We won't get a sudden revelation telling us this is the right moment. We won't know with stone-written certainty that we're ready. We will not avoid contradictory thoughts about these things.
And we should get used to that and get on with our lives. I'm pretty sure everybody has had the same thoughts, maybe just in different ages. The other people we know that are considered adults by us did these things in a way that seemed they had a different mind than our own, that they knew more than we do. And I believe that's not true at all.
Basically, we should not expect to have a huge different mentality some point in the future. People do not change much. So do not wait for some spontaneous change in your mind.
Just think about what you really want to do, something that makes you happy, plan for it (don't just randomly do or avoid doing things), and do it.
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